"Talking To Children of Different Ages"
by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser
Children understand the disaster in terms of their own developmental level and personalize it to their own experience. It is important to talk to children honestly and in ways they can comprehend about what happened. Giving them too much information can be scary and confusing. There are ways to be honest with children at each developmental level without overwhelming them. ---
Preschoolers
Children between the ages of 0 and 5 think of the world in terms of their direct experience. Three to five-year olds might be interested in ambulances, fire trucks, people getting hurt, blood, fire, crashes and buildings falling down. Four and five-year olds will also be fascinated with death, although they can’t yet fully understand it. One four year old said happily to her mother, "A building came crashing down and lots of people died, but I didn’t die!" Young children won’t be interested in or able to understand the political significance of what happened.
If children haven’t heard about what’s happened, it is not necessary to tell them anything. However, if they have seen the news or experienced someone being upset, you could explain, "An accident happened and an airplane hit a building and lots of people were hurt. It is very sad for the people who were hurt and for their families."
Children of this age also engage in "magical thinking." They might say things like, "I could just fly up and stop that plane so it wouldn’t hit the building." Or, "The next time that happens, I’d throw my magic net up and all the people in the building and plane could jump into it and be safe." It is not necessary correct children’s magical thinking. Soon enough they will understand events and their own skills more realistically. Rather, we can appreciate their intention. "You sound like you would work hard to help keep those people safe." "You are full of ideas about how to keep people safe."
Young children may also want to talk about what happened, repeatedly asking the same questions. This is because they are not fully able to comprehend the events or the feelings around them. It is useful to keep answering their questions, to ask them what they think, to see what they think would help. Young children might also want to draw pictures and dictate stories for you to write down.
The most important thing for preschool-aged children is to reassure them that you will keep them safe. If they express particular fears, you can reassure them directly - telling them you don’t believe that any planes are going to crash near where they are.Elementary School Children
Six to twelve-year olds are more able to understand events outside their direct experience. They are able to read, so protecting them from information about the events is unlikely. They can comprehend ideas like hijacking, yet it is stretch for them to think about people who are willing to die for their beliefs. This is an age where it is important to listen to children’s ideas. They may understand some pieces of the story very clearly and be totally confused about others.
At this age, you can begin to explain what motivates people to act in violent ways. "People who feel angry and hopeless, and who don’t know other ways to express their feelings, sometimes hurt others and themselves." You can also ask them to help you think about more positive ways people could express their frustration and anger about their life circumstances.Middle and High School
We are a culture saturated in media violence with few skills to deal with the feelings associated with real tragedy and fewer ideas about productive responses. Many people who saw the World Trade Center collapse compared it to movies they’d seen.
It is likely that many media-saturated teens will experience confusion about the reality of this situation. Some may laugh it off or ignore it. As parents of these teens, it is important that we don’t mistakenly think they are handling things well because they aren’t taking it seriously or don’t need to talk about it. Many may be avoiding talking about the situation directly because they don’t know what to do about the fear, anger, confusion and sadness they are carrying.
It is important to bring it up with them and to ask them what they think about it and how they are feeling. You can also ask them about how they think their friends are handling it. Some teens may be very fearful, as they are old enough to understand the political dynamics and the possibility of larger target areas.
