"Safe Roughhousing"

My partner, Jim, has recently been spending a lot of time with our three-year-old, Max. I'm delighted to see him more involved, but often, it seems all they do is play chase and wrestling games which end with Max crying. Sometimes I feel their roughhousing is too much, but I'm afraid that if I say something, Jim will pull back and withdraw. Should I intervene?

-- concerned mom in Phoenix

It is wonderful that Jim is becoming more involved with Max. Your sensitivity about not wanting to be critical or to discourage him is important. When we try new things with our children, there is always a period of vulnerability when we need all the support we can get. We also need feedback and someone to talk to about how things are going.
   Wrestling can be fun and also rewarding for parents and children. But it can also be scary and hurtful, depending on how it is done. For many fathers, wrestling is their main way of connecting with their kids because it's one of the few acceptable ways they've learned to interact with children. Men are taught that it's all right to wrestle your buddy to the ground or to tackle him on the football field or to slap him on the back, but watch out for activities like hugging, snuggling, kissing or changing diapers.
   Luckily, for many men, these messages are changing and they are venturing out to the diaper area, nuzzling their kids along the way. But, even dads who think it's all right to participate in the physical care of their children can feel unsure of themselves because caregiving is such new territory for them. Wrestling often feels like a safer activity for dads who are eager to be involved.
   A first step for you might be to:
. Talk to your partner. Let him know that you have noticed his increased participation and that you are pleased. Ask him about how he is feeling about his relationship with Max, what he is enjoying and what is difficult. You could also ask him specifically about how the wrestling is going. Hearing his ideas may help you better understand his perspective. Maybe his father always wrestled with him and he wants to pass that on to Max. When it comes time to state your feelings, try to do so in a positive way: "I love that you are getting a chance to share something of your childhood with our son, and yet, I do feel concerned when it leads to crying. I'd like to come up with a solution which is safe and comfortable for all of us."
. Give your partner time and space to figure it out. All parents need time to try things, to reflect on what happened, to make alterations and to try again. If we expect our partners to be perfect the first time, they may stop trying altogether. You could offer encouragement and support: "I know you both enjoy wrestling. I'll bet the two of you can figure out a way to do it so that nobody gets hurt." Or, as long as things are basically safe, you could just stand back and watch as they learn together.
. Support your child in talking to his dad. Often children will complain to one parent about the other. While you may be tempted to just comfort your child, take his side and talk to his dad for him, it will be more empowering for your son if you listen to his concern and encourage him to talk to his dad himself: "I'm sorry you got hurt wrestling with your dad. You can tell him how you feel about that."
   Here are some wrestling safety tips:
. Take frequent breaks. What in one moment is "fun" wrestling can turn scary or overwhelming the next, without the child even knowing what happened. If you stop every few minutes to check-in with your child, you can read both his verbal and non-verbal signals to see if he needs a break or if it's okay to continue.
. Offer choices. Sometimes when you stop to ask your child if he wants to keep wrestling, he says "yes" because he wants to keep playing with you, even though he may really be done with wrestling. If you offer him a choice, he can keep his connection with you going and still end the wrestling match: "Would you like to keep wrestling or shall we go out and water the garden?"
. Let your child win. It can be tempting to use your size to triumph over your small child, but it can be belittling or disempowering for a child to always lose. Instead, make a big deal of your child "pinning" you, much to your and his delight: "Oh, no, You are holding me down. How will I ever get up? You are so strong, I'm going to have to really push. Ummph, it's hard."