Chapter 5: LEARNING TO VALUE STRUGGLE AND DISEQUILIBRIUM
This story talks about the way Laura and her partner, Karyn, each dealt with their sons' vulnerability. At the time this story was written, Eli was six months old and Bryan was sixteen and just learning to drive.
When Eli was a newborn, I came across a quote by Elizabeth Stone that stunned me: "Making the decision to have a child — it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
Forever having my heart outside of my body.
All day long, parents make decisions about whose needs take priority, about who's going to have wait, about who needs to hurry, about who gets to go at their own pace. When you're juggling needs, here are some things to consider:
. Go easy on yourself. It is important to acknowledge that no parent can "do it all." Trimming your expectations to more realistic levels will help you feel more successful. Robin, the mother of an older child and a baby, says she's really felt liberated since she realized that she couldn't possibly do it all — and that she wasn't going to try anymore: "I was thinking about balancing needs and what I decided was that one week I was going to be a great worker at my job and a poor cook and a medium-good parent, and the next week I was going to be a medium-good cook, a medium good worker and a great parent."
This story about Janis and Maya is a good example of teaching children about difficult realities while simultaneously supporting their sense of optimism.
Maya took swimming lessons when she was four. One day, during her lesson, a father grabbed his son and roughly yanked him out of the pool because he hadn't been listening to the teacher. Then the father proceeded to yell at the boy, berating him.
Becoming an effective parent entails making a series of educated guesses and seeing what works. In doing so, we inevitably make mistakes. There will be times we're rigid when we should be loose, loose when we should be firm; times we're inconsistent or unfair. All of us will make judgments based on the best knowledge we have at the time, only to find out later that we were wrong. We will say and do things that hurt our children because we were too tired, frustrated, or mad to stop ourselves. At times, we will repeat mistakes that were made by our parents because we haven't come to terms with those particular pockets of history. We all hope that none of the mistakes we make will damage our children by compromising their safety, squashing their self-esteem or crushing their spirit. Yet whenever we do something we haven't done before, we inevitably make mistakes. It's part of the learning curve.
Letting Go Of the Familiar . New Parents and Disequilibrium . The Things I Carried: Sari's Story . "My Child's Life Depends of Me" . The Heart of the Matter: Laura's Story . The Exhaustion New Parents Face . Disequilibrium During the Toddler and Preschool Years . Learning to Value Struggle . Preschoolers Present Unfamiliar Challenges Too . The Benefits of Disequilibrium . Sometimes It's a Matter of Time . Helping Children Deal With Change . When Change Comes From the Outside . Helping Children In Times of Crisis ·
The Heart of the Matter: Laura's Story
I think she got right to the heart of the matter.
When Eli was first born, I'd hold him and feel immobilized by the utter vulnerability of his floppy little neck. His flailing skinny arms and his bony little legs unnerved me. I knew in a place that I could not name that it was impossible to protect him completely. There was SIDS. There were earthquakes. There was spinal meningitis and leukemia. There were kidnappers, the greenhouse effect and nuclear bombs. There was being in the wrong place at the wrong time, car wrecks, and drownings. I knew I couldn't stop those things, try as I might, and there was a chance that I might be asked to outlive my baby.
I couldn't imagine it. How did those parents do it, I wondered? How did they survive? I listened obsessively to Tears In Heaven, Eric Clapton's tribute to his dead son, Colin, looking for a clue. I played it over and over, crying into Eli's few strands of hair.
"You have to let it go, Laura," Karyn finally told me one day. I tried to listen. She was experienced. Her son had lasted fifteen-and-a-half years so far. "You do everything you can to protect them, but then you have to let it go. You don't want your fear holding him back."
Weeks later, it was time for Bryan to learn to drive. Karyn wanted nothing to do with it. Bryan's dad, Richard, and I volunteered to take turns teaching him. Sunday afternoons, I took him out to an empty parking lot on the west side of town. No one was there. I stayed cheerful and affirming as we lurched around the parking lot.
Karyn watched these outings with a tight resignation. She knew it was time for Bryan to drive, that it wasn't right to stop him, but she repeatedly lectured him about drunks on the road, never letting anyone have alcohol in the car, and the death rate for teenagers driving after midnight.
"You've got to let it go, Karyn," I told her the day he got his license. "He's a good driver, really. He's going to be okay."
It is hard for us to let our children go, to let them leave the safety of our breasts, our arms, our laps. To cheer on their crawling, walking and running, even as they move away from us. To send them to school, let them make friends, sleep-over, ride in other people's cars, go on weekend trips, fall in love, get hurt, and make their own mistakes.
Chapter 6: WORKING TOWARD A BALANCE OF NEEDS
. Striving Toward Balance . New Parents and Time: Where Did the Time Go? . What About My List? . Why Slow Down to Baby Time? . Balancing Work and Family: Whose Rhythm Do We Follow Today? . When You Have to Juggle Competing Needs . When We Need Children to Move At Our Pace . "Mom, Is There A Law Against Wasting Time?" . "Dad, I'm Bored": Helping Children Appreciate Free Time . Being Real With Your Kids . What Is the Quality of QualityTime? . Memories Happen Now ·
When You Have to Juggle Competing Needs
. Think about what's really important to you. Sometimes in the midst of daily pressures, we forget what we really value. Keeping your vision for your family in mind will help you make the best decisions in the long run. As Liane Steele once put it, "Be assured that you'll always have time for things you put first."
Trudy's found that to be true in her family: "Because I've always worked, I had to decide early on that my kids came first. That way each time a real conflict comes up, I don't have to assess it anew. If I have any kind of choice at all, I know I'm going to err on the side of my kids, because that's the value I chose."
. Set priorities. Janis explains how she does it: "Those mornings when I feel lucky to get half a bagel down Maya before she goes off to school, when combing her hair is out of the question, I try to remind myself that even though her hair might not be combed and her house might be in disarray, she's been well-listened to, emotionally nourished and cared for in the ways that really matter."
. Assess the hierarchy of needs. Balancing needs is often a matter of figuring out whose needs are most critical at any given point in time. Who's in a position to wait? Who can get what they want a little later? Tomorrow? Next week? Is there a way everybody can get some of what they want now? Or that together, you can come up with a mutual solution?
. Think about the family as a whole. There are many times in families when children's needs have to take a back seat to the needs of the family as a whole; schedules need to be met, tasks need to get done, or adults need some special time of their own. What's important isn't balance at every moment. Balancing needs in a family happens over time. We just need to make sure that the scale doesn't tip too regularly toward the needs of any one member of the family, leaving the others continuously in the back seat.
Chapter 7: TEACHING CHILDREN TO FEEL SAFE, STRONG, AND GOOD ABOUT THEIR WORLD
A Question of Perspective . The Man Who Hadn't Learned to Be Kind: Janis's Story . Scared Kids Are Not Empowered Kids . Loud Girls . Teaching Safety Without Fear . A Delicate Balance ·
The Man Who Hadn't Learned to Be Kind: Janis's Story
That night, Maya asked me, "Is that man going to be at swimming tomorrow?"
I said, "Are you asking about the man who pulled his son out of the pool today?"
She said "Yes," so I described to her what I had seen: "He was rough with his son. He wasn't being gentle."
Maya asked me back, 'Why wasn't he gentle? Why was he yelling like that?"
I reassured her that I wouldn't let anyone hurt her. Then I started to talk to her about the man. I said, "That's a man who hasn't learned how to be kind."
Maya started crying. Tearfully, she asked, "Why hasn't he learned to be kind? Why hasn't he?"
I told her that I didn't know for sure, but that sometimes people aren't kind to children and don't treat them gently, so when those kids grow up to be parents, they still don't know how to be kind.
I could see the wheels turning in Maya's mind. She turned and asked, "Why wasn't anyone kind to him?"
I replied, "Maybe they hadn't learned either. It's sad, isn't it?" Then I went on: "But I can tell you some good news. Lots of people are working to teach people how to be kind. I teach classes to parents to help them learn and there are also groups and books to help people. Maybe that man will find a way to learn, too."
Chapter 8: BEING HUMAN: WHEN YOU'RE NOT YET THE PARENT YOU WANT TO BE
"I've Been Surprised By the Extent of My Anger" . When Parents Get Angry . Expressing Anger with Children: A Developmental Look . Getting Mad at Infants, Toddlers and Preschoolers . Finding Other Outlets . Learning From Your Mistakes . The Value of Mistakes . Modeling a Healthy Response to Mistakes . Taming the Beast: Mei's Story . Learning to Take Care of Yourself . Then I Go Out Dancing With My Friends . Know Your Own Limits . When I'm Feeling Pushed: Maria's Story ·
Learning From Your Mistakes