Chapter 9: BUILDING A SUPPORTIVE COMMUNITY
There is an underlying premise in this country that individual families are solely responsible for their children. The burden of childrearing falls totally on parents and in many cases, on only one parent.
For many of us, figuring out how to support our children's emotional health is not clear or straightforward. When faced with a screaming baby, an angry toddler or a frightened child, few of us know what to do. Becoming aware of our relationship to our own feelings enables us to think carefully about the emotional legacy we want to pass on to our children.
Toddlerhood is a unique, challenging time in human development. Toddlers are beginning to get a sense that the world may be bigger than their own bodies and their immediate experience. They are starting the process of separating themselves from the important people in their world. As Janis often tells parents, "Toddlers are going to fight us like heck and that's their job. It's a healthy part of their growth and maturation."
Many of us are shaken when fear first encroaches on the calm waters of our child's security. When we witness our child trembling or crying out in fear, many of us experience a sense of powerlessness; a disappointment that we were unable to hold fear at bay. When that initial response fades, many of us feel unqualified for the job of reassuring our children and responding effectively.
Friends Come, Friends Go · Connecting With Other Parents · Moving Beyond Competition · Building Support In Your Extended Family · How Was It For You, Mom? · Learning and Teaching By Example: Leah's Story · Caring and Criticism From the Community · A Dialogue With the World · It Takes A Community to Raise A Child · Not Until Every Child Is Safe · Ten Things You Can Do to Make the World Better for All Families · Making the World A Better Place: What Parents Have Done ·
Not Until Every Child Is Safe
Imagine how different our lives would be if we lived in a culture like the one this parent describes: "I heard a man from Africa give a talk recently. He said in his village, which is still an indigenous culture, all the houses are open. There are basically no doors. And at dinner time, the children go wherever they want to for dinner. So everybody cooks expecting small visitors. And he said children choose their dinner depending on which house smells best. It's such a far cry from what we have here."
In contrast, our society tends to perpetuate the isolation of families. Although we live in one of the richest countries in the world, millions of American families are excluded from necessary nutrition, housing and health care. Assistance programs for single parents and children have been cut. There's not enough affordable, quality child care. Information and resources for parents are insufficient. These are just some of the ways our society says, "You had these children. They're your responsibility."
This generation is the first to live at a lower standard of living, with less financial security, than their parents. In the 1950's, for many families, one income provided a home, a car, and the trappings of middle-class life. But now, two income-families are struggling to maintain, or even approach, the same level of prosperity.
And many families face even more dire circumstances. For middle-class families one paycheck away from disaster, working class families on the border of poverty, for poor families struggling to find work which will sustain their families, the task of parenting can look very different than it does for families with more economic stability.
For many families on the edge, neighborhoods have become increasingly perilous. Poor parents are fighting to keep their children away from miserable options like drugs, pregnancy, gangs, crime and incarceration. Community supports, if available at all, are stretched beyond capacity.
While poverty or economic stressors don't define a person's ability to be a loving, nurturing, responsive parent, worry, fear, shame and day-to-day economic struggles can usurp a parent's time, energy and optimism. Figuring out how to get kids to child care and yourself to work when your car is broken down, choosing between bread for the family and diapers for the baby when you are down to your last five dollars, and providing jackets and paying the heating bill now that the weather has turned cold, are a few of the many things which get in the way of the other tasks of parenthood — sharing a book, listening to sad feelings, laughing together, appreciating a child's new skill.
Supporting healthy parenting necessitates that we first look at issues of poverty. As Marion Wright Edelman, of the Children's Defense Fund, writes, "It is morally shameful as well as economically foolish for our rich nation, blessed with one of the highest standards of living in the world, to let children be the poorest group of Americans."
It is our shared responsibility to work for the well-being of all families. It is not only the moral thing to do, it is also practical, for if we live in communities in which children are not well cared for that community will not be a safe place for any of its members. This is our larger responsibility and opportunity as parents, to join together and create the collective voice that demands that children and families are on the top of this country's political agenda.
For a list of ten things you can do to improve circumstances for all families, click here.
Chapter 10: LEARNING ABOUT FEELINGS
Children's Emotional Development: An Overview · Feelings and Temperament · Exploring Your Perspective on Feelings: Issues for Parents · Twelve Ways to Support Children's Emotional Literacy ·
Exploring Your Perspective on Feelings: Issues for Parents
Jenny explains: "I've always felt I had to be happy around people. It's hard for me to cry, to break down and say, 'I'm sad today. I'm having a really bad day.' And I don't want my daughter to have the same problem."
As children, many of us got the message that adults were uncomfortable, critical or scared of our feelings, as well as their own. In many families, anger, frustration, and sadness were considered "negative" feelings. They weren't viewed as a healthy part of one's experience. Families may have responded to those feelings with punishment, belittling, and name-calling: "Go in your room until you are ready to behave." "Don't be a crybaby." "Scaredy-cat!"
Some of us grew up in families where we absorbed the message that it was best to suppress our feelings because they were "too big to deal with and there wouldn't be any resolution for them."
Additionally, many of us learned that certain feelings were acceptable or unacceptable because of gender — girls were expected to feel hurt, sadness, and compassion, while anger was the predominant feeling boys were allowed to have: "Shouting is not ladylike." "Big boys don't cry."
As a result, many of us have several layers of response when we're confronted with the unadulterated expression of a child's feelings, whether it be a newborn's colic, a toddler's tantrum, or a teenager's angry outbursts. We may feel scared that something is inherently wrong with our child, jealous that children can open up and express their feelings so freely, or inadequate because we have failed to produce a "happy" child.
Drew, the father of a twelve-year-old girl, explained, "One of the hardest things for me as a parent was the night I was sitting on my daughter's bed and she told me that she wished that she was dead. She was feeling lonely and isolated at school, and she was sure it was because she had all the wrong clothes. It was hard for me to just sit there and listen, to let her express her despair."
Many of us have been taught to ignore our children's "negative" feelings. We've been told: "If you give them attention, you will just make things worse." We try to get kids to stop crying or screaming, partly because of discomfort and embarrassment, but also because we've been taught that the crying or yelling is the feeling itself, and that if we succeed at making the expression go away, the feeling will also be gone.
Our attempts to quiet children take many forms. We bribe or threaten children (sometimes "successfully") to stop their crying: "C'mon, I'll get you some ice cream." We withdraw our attention: "Don't come back in here until you're done crying." We use distraction to make kids feel "better." We say, "Come on, let's go to the park." Or we pat them and say, 'Shh, shh, there, there, don't cry." But when we respond in these ways, we inadvertently teach children not to trust their own responses and to stop sharing their difficult, but important feelings.
As parents, our first task is to come to terms with our own feelings. Learning to understand, accept and honestly express our emotions lays the groundwork for teaching children that all feelings are valuable. We then have the opportunity to share our children's joy, love, excitement and delight and the responsibility to show them that they don't have to bear their despair, anger and pain alone.
Chapter 11: RESPONDING TO CRYING AND TANTRUMS
Babies and Crying · What Exactly Is A Tantrum? · Toddlers and Tantrums · The Straw That Breaks the Camel's Back · The First "No" of the Day · Dealing With Tantrums: Issues for Parents · Six Strategies for Preventing Tantrums · Responding to Tantrums · Preschoolers and Tantrums: What Parents Can Do · Eli's Thunderstorm: Laura's Story · A Tantrum in the Mall: Ginny's Story ·
Toddlers and Tantrums
At the same time, toddlers are beginning to develop a sense of memory, of a past and a future, and that enables them to remember what they want. Toddlers are famous for holding on to their ideas tenaciously, and that can lead to repeated disappointments when their desires are thwarted.
This frustration is compounded by the fact that toddlers naturally want to do more and more for themselves. But their aspirations and desires far outstrip their physical capabilities. Your son wants to put on his own shirt, tie his own shoes or buckle his own car seat, but he isn't yet capable of doing those things. He tries and he fails. He struggles and may not be able to do it without help, and his sense of frustration continues to grow.
Because they're beginning to gain an awareness of themselves as individuals, toddlers are also beginning to see possibilities for themselves that they hadn't previously considered: "I could make decisions! I could take my own clothes off. I could refuse my diaper change. I could turn on the dishwasher. Maybe I could make all of the decisions!" Toddlers don't want to just try some of the decisions, they want to try all of them. And it's not enough for toddlers to try out decisions once; they need to try them repeatedly.
Although it may be frustrating for us, it is ultimately useful for toddlers to have such grandiose goals. It is precisely what helps them grow so effectively. Without aspiring to big things, toddlers wouldn't be able to meet the huge obstacles of overcoming gravity in order to walk, or decoding the mysteries of communication. Their boundless aspirations are, however, yet another set-up for enormous frustration.
Take a moment to think about how a toddler agenda is put together. Before she's even had breakfast, your daughter has struggled to fit her oversized teddy into her undersized dump truck. She's reached for the cat's tail and been hissed at in return. She's had to argue with her dad about getting her diaper changed, fight with her sister about who's going to sit in the red chair, struggle with Grandma about turning on the TV, and reprimand big brother for pouring her juice into the wrong cup.
Families on the other end of these struggles often feel victimized by the constant challenges to their authority. It is helpful to remember that your toddler didn't choose her agenda, it chose her. If she were choosing it, clearly she would implement it in more manageable stages. She'd, no doubt, choose a peaceful waking and breakfast, then work on autonomy for a couple of hours before taking a break for lunch and nap and play in the afternoon. But when an autonomy agenda has a hold of a child it drives her constantly and frustration is sure to follow.
Chapter 12: HELPING YOUR CHILDREN DEAL WITH FEAR
Why Fears Emerge: A Developmental Overview · Mice, Foghorns and Woolly Mammoths: Janis's Story · Helping Children Deal with Fear: Issues for Parents · Books to Help Children Deal With Fears · Strategies for Helping Children Deal with Fear · The Orange, the Bee, and the Flowers: Laura's Story · In Their Own Way, In Their Own Time · Halloween Can Be Scary for Kids ·
Helping Children Deal with Fear: Issues for Parents
Children's fears can also resonate with unresolved fears of our own. Most of us still remember our childhood fears. If we successfully overcame those fears, we may remember them with a chuckle. If we didn't, we may still carry a lingering sense of vulnerability.
Unresolved fears can also get passed on to our children, either consciously or unconsciously. A father who's had a terrifying experience with a dog may feel the need to teach his child to be afraid of dogs. Even if he decides he doesn't want to pass that message on, his body may still convey his terror whenever a dog is around. Recognizing and working on our own fears can help us avoid passing them on to our children.
Some of us also need to work through stereotypical messages we learned about fear based on gender. Girls, generally, are expected to be fearful and aren't given tools to deal with their fears. Instead, they are taught to rely on adults and males for their sense of safety. Boys, on the other hand, are generally discouraged from feeling fear. The credo, "Be Brave," has forced many a boy to suffer his scary feelings alone. In order to allow all children to have an honest and effective response to fear, we need to recognize and rethink those messages.
Whether or not our own experiences have prepared us to deal with our children's fears, thoughtful consideration, observation, and practice will help us develop a posture from which we can support children's healthy responses to their fears.
Excerpted from Becoming the Parent You Want to Be: A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First Five Years by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser.
Copyright © 1997 by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser. Excerpted by permission of Broadway Books, a division of the Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.