Chapter 25: "BUT GIRLS CAN'T DO THAT": HELPING CHILDREN MOVE BEYOND LIMITING GENDER ROLES
The Evolution of Gender Identity: A Developmental Overview · The Making of a Girl, The Making of a Boy · Pretty Little Girls? · Children and Gender: Issues for Parents · Opening Up the World: What Parents of Babies Can Do · Opening Up the World: What the Parents of Toddlers and Preschoolers Can Do · Helping Preschoolers Expand Their World Through Play · Responding to Superhero Play: Preschool Boys With Guns · The Evolution of War Play · He'd Eat His Sandwich In The Shape of a Gun · Helping to Expand and Broaden Gun Play · Barbiemania: Preschool Girls with Teenage Dolls
The Making of a Girl, The Making of a Boy
When we have a new baby, the first question most people ask is, "Is it a boy or a girl?" On one level, this question is a matter of social convention. On another, many of us believe we're going to know something about that baby if we know its gender.
Children haven't learned social rules of etiquette. They may not yet know that we don't point at someone on the bus and say, "Why is that man so fat?" or "Why is that woman's skin dirty?" "Why does that man have such a stupid face?" "Why is that woman laying in the doorway like that?" When they ask those questions, it's important to rise above our embarrassment and use the situation as an opportunity to teach about diversity and respect. Here are some guidelines for handling those embarrassing moments:
. Acknowledge what children have noticed. You can say, "You've noticed that man's face is different than yours." "You've noticed that woman's skin looks different than yours." "You've noticed that boy is using braces to help him walk." "You noticed that woman sleeping in the doorway." Statements like these appreciate the fact that your child has seen something, even if he doesn't yet have an appropriate name for it.
When we have children in the context of a relationship, that relationship is permanently altered. The first year of a child's life is a thrilling, stressful and growth-producing time for couples. The focus shifts from the needs of the couple to the needs of the baby. Instead of relating to "my wife" or "my husband" or "my partner," new parents are learning about their spouses as "Zane's father" or "Lily's mother." And they're relating to themselves in a new way as well.
The following story demonstrates some of the challenges and pleasures involved in developing a different perspective on sibling relationships.
I remember sitting on the couch with my infant daughter and her older brother. As I began to wonder if there would be enough of my hugs and time to go around, I looked over at him holding her and realized that what was happening between them was not only nurturing her, but Calvin as well. I realized that it was as satisfying for him to hold his sister as it was for him to be held and snuggled by me. "Ah-ha!" I thought. "Now our family has even more resources, rather than fewer." For more on sibling relationships, see "Sibling Spats."
Janis recalls, "I've been in toddler observation classes in which there were three or four boys, one of whom was really active, loud, interactive and busy, two of whom were quite subdued and calm; staying close to their parents, and maybe one who was somewhere in the middle. What's been interesting to me is that parents will look at the active child, disregard the other three, and say to each other, 'Oh, isn't he just like a boy!'
Once we establish stereotypes, we often begin to look for examples that perpetuate those assumptions, and look past examples which don't support them — in this instance, the other boys in the room.
A couple of the parents in Janis's classes have done an experiment of dressing their baby up one day as a "girl," and going to the mall, and the next day as a "boy," and going to the same mall. The "boy" babies got comments such as, "He's such a little bruiser," "Looks like he's going to be quite a football player," "He's so strong," and the same baby the next day, dressed as a "girl," got comments like, "She's so delicate," "She's so pretty," or "She's so quiet."
Clearly, social conditioning influences children from the very beginning of their lives. Studies have shown that from birth, parents treat girls and boys differently. Parents hold girls closer and talk to them more than they do boy babies. Research has also shown that parents carry girls facing toward their bodies, and boys, away from their bodies.
Chapter 26: PREPARING CHILDREN TO LIVE IN A RICHLY DIVERSE WORLD
Learning About Me, Learning About People Who Are Different: A Developmental Overview · How Do Children Learn Prejudice? · Teaching Children About Diversity: Issues for Parents · What Is My Family's Culture? · Working Against Stereotypes and Prejudice: An Anti-Bias Approach · Helping Children Appreciate Themselves · Helping Children Appreciate Others · Helping Children Learn About Unfairness · Helping Children Take a Stand Against Prejudice · Children's Books Which Accurately Reflect Our World · Answering Children's Questions · Sample Dialogues · Learning About Leon: Laura's Story · Beyond Tolerance ·
Answering Children's Questions
. Give your children social information. When your child singles someone out by pointing, staring or talking about them, let him know that people often feel uncomfortable when people point at them or talk about them. You can move away and respond to your son's questions right away or let him know you'll talk about it later.
If you sense that the person might want to respond to your son herself, you can say, "It looks like you have some questions about that woman's crutches. You could ask her if she'd like to talk to you about them." When you do this, you help your child get information on his own. You also let him know that the woman with crutches is someone who can speak for herself.
However, approaching someone you don't know about a physical characteristic or disability requires a high level of sensitivity. While some people might welcome an honest interchange with your child, others may be tired of being singled out because of how they look. It's important to be sensitive to what it might be like for someone to always have their appearance be the first thing they have to deal with every interaction.
. Choose the timing for the conversation. Many times you'll be comfortable responding to your child's questions in the moment. But if, for any reason, you feel you need some time before you answer your child, you can say, "That's a really important question. I'd like to talk to you about that later on."
. Use descriptive words rather than evaluative ones. When a child notices that someone is different, it's important to respond using descriptive, non-judgmental language. When your child turns to you on the bus and says, "That person has stupid eyes," you can say to your child, "That man is Chinese. Most people who are Chinese have eyes like that. He uses his eyes to see just like you do, and his eyes aren't stupid."
By correcting children and responding with a descriptive word instead, we help them broaden their thinking. We teach them that being different doesn't make someone funny, weird, or ugly.
. Talk to your child about the diversity of the human experience. When your child says, "Why is that man's nose flat like that?" you can say, "People's noses come in a lot of different sizes and shapes. That's what makes people so interesting." Comments such as these let children know that diversity is a normal part of the human continuum.
. Help your child learn more after the event. You can go to the library and find books that deal specifically with the characteristic the child has noticed or that incorporate that kind of difference incidentally, as a natural part of the story.
Chapter 27: PARENTING WITH A PARTNER
New Parents: Issues for Couples In the First Year · Nurturing Your Relationship: Ideas for Parents · Mothers As Gatekeepers · Gatekeeping and Gender · Opening the Gates: Sharing in the Caring · When Children Prefer One Parent Over The Other · Strengthening Your Relationship With Your Child: What Parents Can Do · When Partners Disagree · When There Are Still Differences · Fighting In Front of the Children · When Parents Separate: Making It Work for the Children · Communication Between Parents · Communication With Your Child · Equal Time? · The Need for Respect · The Abundance of Love ·
New Parents: Issues for Couples in the First Year
For some couples, the birth of a child brings increased intimacy. Stuart recalls, "The first year of Caitlin's life was a joyous time for Claire and I. Our hearts were opened up by Caitlin's birth. We had a single-minded focus — this miraculous new life we'd been entrusted with. We were united in our purpose and we'd never felt so close. That first year was an exhausting, wonderful time."
Sue remembers, "There was a new softness in Sherman when Forest was born. There was that precious time the first few weeks after the birth when we would all wake up together in the middle of the night for feedings. And even now a few years later, there is a level of sharing that we experience in being parents that is different than anything we shared before we had kids.
Other couples feel less intimate during their baby's first year. Mothers who are nursing and doing most of the physical nurturing of the baby, sometimes have decreased needs for physical contact, just at a time when their partners are wanting more touch and reassurance.
Juliet remembers, "I felt like I had someone on my body all the time. I loved nursing Jonathan, but I didn't want anyone else touching me. I couldn't stand anyone else making physical demands of me. And that was pretty hard for Rick to accept."
Chan, a new father recalls, "I felt shut out. I'd been used to having Maylynn available, and suddenly she was absorbed in caring for Kian. Because they were nursing around the clock, I felt left out a lot of the time. Kian wanted her mom; she didn't want me. I felt lonely. I gained a child, but it felt like I lost my wife."
Becca laments, "I feel good about the first year of Tucker's life, but I feel sad about the loss of intimacy with Franklin. We really need to make our relationship as a couple a focus again."
Often it's near the end of the first year that parents start picking their heads up from the intensity of dealing with a newborn and infant, and begin the process of reestablishing their identity and connection as a couple.
Chapter 28: BUILDING STRONG SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS
Sibling Relationships: Issues for Parents · Bringing Maya Home: Janis's Story · Introducing New Siblings · Before the Baby Is Born: When Older Siblings Are Under Two · Before the Baby Is Born: When Older Siblings Are Two and Older · During the Birth · Welcoming the Baby: When Siblings Don't Attend the Birth · Welcoming the Baby: When Siblings Attend the Birth · Introducing New Siblings Through Adoption · After the Baby Comes Home: Making the Adjustment · Is It Really Jealousy? · Supporting the Older Sibling · Younger Child, Older Child: Building Responsive Relationships · Sharing Between Siblings · Time Together, Time Apart · Ten Relationship Builders for Siblings · Sibling Rivalry? · What Is the Parent's Role in Children's Conflicts? · But What If There's An Age and Skill Difference? · When They Finally Bloom ·
Bringing Maya Home: Janis's Story
But, as you may have guessed, they weren't snuggling forever. Soon afterwards, Maya, the (brand-new, delicate, fragile) baby was laying on the living room floor in the sun. Her energetic brother leaped across where she was laying and kicked her with his foot. She started crying and as I started over to her, Calvin immediately came over to me and said, "I'm sorry, Mom."
I realized at that moment that this was between Calvin and his sister. So I told Calvin to talk to Maya about it. As he bent towards her, bringing his four-year-old face up close to her scrunched-up red one, touching her cheek with his play-stained fingers, she began to quiet. He said, "I'm sorry, Maya." He continued talking to her and gently touching her, and as he did so, she began to know him as a gentle and caring person. Calvin left that interaction, not as a person who had kicked his sister, but as an active, curious, compassionate person who had made a mistake and had helped to fix it.
Yet even though I can tell this story now, it wasn't easy for me to let them have that time and space. Several times during their interaction, I wanted to jump in, to pick up "my" crying baby and comfort her. I had an urge to yell at Calvin for being careless around his sister and to send him away. I wanted to interpret her crying for him, as if he couldn't understand it herself: "It hurts her when you kick her." (You are not only clumsy, but you can't read a simple human communication.) But part of me knew, deep down, that she wasn't "my" baby. She was her own person and a full member of our family with individual relationships with each one of us. And so I took a deep breath, trusted, and watched as their relationship began to grow and deepen.
Excerpted from Becoming the Parent You Want to Be: A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First Five Years by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser.
Copyright © 1997 by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser. Excerpted by permission of Broadway Books, a division of the Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.